Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship

As your relationship with a new person in your life has developed, you find your old friends falling away, while family members remark on how you don't seem like yourself. Are you losing yourself to an odd, and ultimately destructive, relationship? Before you can regain your individuality and strength, you'll need to determine if the relationship is taking something away, and, if so, put an end to the destructive cycle. While the steps are directed towards romantic relationships, they do apply to any kind of relationship.








Steps

  1. 1
    Evaluate honestly: Is this relationship healthy, or is it unhealthy? Be objective as youanalyze how things have changed since this relationship began.


  2. 2
    Are your family relationships suddenly filled with tension, every time your partner's name comes up? Red flags should go up if everyone who cares about you is getting worried or is being pushed away.
    • Does this person bring out your best, or worst traits? Do you feed each others' best self, or have you seen your attitudes change to more closely mirror your partner's, which puts off your family and friends?
  3. 3
    Recognize your blindness to your partner's faults. Infatuation isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be necessary and good; however, it does make one "temporarily insane" for the first part of a relationship. Sometimes our starry-eyed affection can make us willfully close our eyes to warning signals, even though we really kind of know that our friends and family have a point when they say they don't like this or that about the significant other. Ask yourself: Do you find yourself apologizing or defending your significant other's behavior? If you find yourself getting defensive when someone questionsyour relationship, you're probably already aware that there is a problem and haven't yet come to terms with it. Remember that people in healthy relationships have nothing to hide or defend. In fact, when a relationship is healthy, your friends and family are normally going to recognize that this person makes you very happy, brings out the best in you, and they will rejoice with the two of you.
  4. 4
    Notice if your plans are continually overturned in favor of hers. Instead, you're always changing plans to do what she wants, always meeting up with her friends.
    • Be aware of the way she behaves with your family and friends, especially if she interrupts them, contradicts them, or behaves dismissively. If you feel you need to apologize or explain her behavior to your family or friends, there's a problem there.
    • Are you realizing it's just become easier not to spend time with people you've loved for years, rather than to make apologies or excuses?
    • Have all of your past attachments to people and places been replaced by either old friends of your new love, or new friends you've made since you've been together? Severing your ties to the familiar stability of people you have always known means she has just made herself the center of your universe, and now has no competition for your attention.
  5. 5
    Watch out for subtle discrepancies. When talking with mutual friends, have they ever said something about your new boyfriend that made you stop and say, "Huh? But he said something different to me... You can't have understood that right." Did you then dismiss the idea that what your friends heard could have actually been true? That's a big red flag. When you're being controlled or manipulated, it's usually through half-truths or omissions, not outright lies. There's just enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship. If this happens more than once, STOP and remind yourself that this isn't the first time you've had this reaction. Start analyzing discrepancies between what your boyfriend said and what your friends say. If there are a lot of them, call him out on them. If his reaction or answers don't satisfy, it is time to re-evaluate in a major way. And don't delay doing the analysis - it may save you from disaster later.
  6. 6
    Keep your support system. Cutting you off from your support systems helps her gain dominance over you - and you think it's your decision. A controlling partner will treat your friends with disrespect - your friends will report rude remarks made behind your back, or you will actually see her treat them in a dismissive ("You don't have the same experience I have.") or outright rude way ("That's just stupid. You're wrong."). However, when you're alone with her, she never says a bad word about those friends, but rather is kind, loving, and even complimentary about them. It makes you believe your family or friends are simply jealous, don't understand her, etc. You forget her nastiness to their faces because she's nice behind their backs. When you find yourself telling your mom or sister, "But, you have to understand her like I do," that's a bad sign. Why should everyone else understand herand adjust their behavior - wouldn't it be easier if she would adjust hers? It's much easier for her to control you when you've decided your loved ones just don't understand your mate, and soon, you have no one but her to turn to.
  7. 7
    Recognize excessive jealously or possessiveness as a danger signal. If your partner is protective of you, that's sweet. If he's bizarrely, overly protective, it's scary. Consider whether he constantly nags about how long it takes you to make a trip to the market or to the post office. Does he interrogate you if you aren't home exactly on time, or if you go out for any reason? Does he question you too intensely about why you were talking to another person?
  8. 8
    Watch for repeat offenses, shallow apologies and "courting" afterwards. She does something that is totally unacceptable then asks your forgiveness, tells you she realizes she was wrong, and promises to change. She seems utterly sincere and convincing - but it is part of the control. It is a way to use your compassion to keep you interested - at this point she may even tearfully say she wants your help to change, particularly if you have let her know that you will not tolerate such things again. She will bring you lavish gifts and attempt to sweep you off your feet, again, re-establishing her sincerity and your belief that she truly loves you (and she may, but in a really toxic, controlling way). Watch for the bad behavior to resume as soon as she believes she has you hooked and complacent again.
  9. 9
    Beware of the "backhanded compliment". Saying, "Nobody will ever love you the way I do," seems sweet, but he wants you to believe that nobody but he will ever love you again.It fosters utter dependence on him and his love. Over time, these ideas erode your sense of confidence. You will begin to believe you're unworthy of better treatment, and he's the best you can hope for. Do not believe this, you deserve so much more - and that is what you should have.
  10. 10
    Stop berating yourself for being into this person. Realize that she's amazing - on the surface - and you shouldn't beat yourself up for being attracted to that. These people are often an odd mix of very high intellect or talent, coupled with low self-esteem (although they often seem confident to the point of arrogance - a mask for their internal lack of true confidence). Controlling, manipulative people are not able to just let things happen naturally - she must control things or, in her mind, things will "get away" from her - so she's compelled by her inner horrors to make sure she's the one pulling all the strings. But what makes it most awful is that she's probably gorgeous (you thought so, right?) and smart, and maybe even funny and charming. It's no wonder you fell for her.
  11. 11
    Assess whether the relationship is worth saving. All of the above are warning signs that you are involved with a controlling person who's likely to be manipulating you. Try to be objective, though - if talking, working it through, or going to counseling fails to get your partner to stop these behaviors for longer than it takes to convince you of his sincerity (in other words, behaviors begin again after a short time), there may be no choice but to part ways, even if you still love him.